I don’t have it all figured out right now.
There is not a clear path forward.
I can’t envision my end goal. All I can connect to is a felt sense that my dream is to feel freedom, love, connection and play. Beyond that it’s hard to know what that exactly looks like.
Whilst I have so many ideas and dreams they all feel ‘too big’ or ‘too hard’ or ‘not good enough’.
It has caused me so much
stress and anxiety for months and years.
The last two years I have been incredibly fixated on ‘finding my purpose’.
A recent wave of frustration and overwhelm of not being ‘there’ yet.
‘There’ being a place of having my shit together and knowing what I’m doing.
It has resulted in one of the w
orst eczema flare ups I have experienced. My skin is so hot and itchy. It’s irritating and unbearable.
I feel the same way towards my thoughts at the moment. The constant need to define myself, to arrive at a place of magically feeling whole. As if there is something within me that is broken and needs to be fixed because I don’t feel like I know what the fuck I’m doing with my life.
It’s irritating and unbearable.
Then a moment of relief, as I remind myself that even though I don’t feel like I have it all figured out right now, I don’t need. I don’t need to because I never will.
So I follow the moments that feel right at the time. Always allowing myself the freedom to choose again, to play along the way, permission to love myself
in the mess and step into curiosity to connect with others.
I am constantly changing and evolving and growing and learning and making mistakes.
I want it to stay that way.
So by ‘having it all figured out’ I deny myself the excitement of possibilities of being who ever the fuck I want too in any given moment. And doing whatever I please.
I surrender to never having it all figured.
Don’t deny yourself of possibilities.